Not a sobbing, wrenching expressive wail of frustration and anger

But a silent heart breaking yearning for the past that had been irretrievably lost

And the future I could not find.

Not a soft enveloping darkness, a winter hibernation, watching dusk fall and shadows lengthen

But a pitch, black, night of the soul that was filled with both a void of nothingness

And a crowded space filled with every fear and hopeless emotion.

Empty promises, disappointments, guilt, shame, unfulfilled destiny.

A feeling of a giant hand clenching round my lungs, heart and spirit,

Crushing any tiny flame of joy in a fist of despair.

Which is the worst terror? The darkness of the night with its suffocating fear

Or the impending new day with the dread of things to do and achieve?

A feeling of swimming underwater, or driving in the fog,

Living a muted, distorted and suppressed existence.

And so I sit in the void, in a fetal position of protectiveness,

Unable to breathe, unable to quieten the mind

And the incessant chatter of fear filled conversations,

Unable and immobile,

Waiting…

Waiting for someone, some solution, some presence to save me.

Pleading with the mind to come up with a logical answer

And hearing only the words of “you’ve failed, you’re unloved, you’re insignificant

You’ve missed the deadline, you can’t beat the clock”

In an isolated system entropy is the only increase.

Is there anyone out there?

As I sit and let the despair seep into my bones and my soul,

There is a movement, An inner space, a breath that says

“Surrender; let go of what you have been holding onto.

Allow; be vulnerable and open to the raw beauty of this moment.

Fail; and let that failing show you that the past is disappearing

And that failure is a necessary part of creation.

Grieve; and let it wash through you like a tidal wave cleansing and clearing.

Awaken; to a new kind of day and the creation of a new souls path and an unknown journey”

As the space expands, the darkness becomes also the light.

A light of deep grace, of forgiveness and divine love.

A penetrating light being that reaches into the soul

And ignites the smallest spark, not yet visible, not yet manifested.

A faint vibration of an answered prayer,

An acute awareness of the simplicity and necessity of living in the moment

And a whispered freedom, releasing all that is weighing me down.

In an isolated system entropy can only increase,

So be in presence, In this sacred space of awareness

And listen to the profound energy of all that is and is not.

Be mindful of your heart beating, be conscious of your breath, to the sound of silence

And bigger than that, hear the earth’s heart beat, feel the exhalation of the universe as it sighs

“All is well my child, all is love, all is as it should be”

Last night my soul sat down and opened up

And a valiant knight of the soul rode in.

And as tiny fingers of dawn softly grew, the still, small voice sweetly wept and said

“Welcome to the crack between the worlds,

Welcome to the greater spiritual experience,

Of living in authenticity, humility and gratitude.

Welcome to living from the soul.

Welcome home”

If ‘stuff’ had an alarm reminder setting it would be 3am. One minute I’m fast asleep, head nice and empty apart from the odd weird dream cruising in and then…WTF… At first it’s a vague awareness that “uh, I think I’m awake, is it morning yet? Better check the alarm, 2.59am, oh no… I can still go back to sleep, let’s pretend I don’t need the toilet now, don’t start counting how many hours left, I said don’t start coun….”

…Too late, mind alarm goes off, 3am and wham! ‘Stuff’ opens the door, stampedes in and starts filling every space in my head that’s available -.and it’s never good stuff at the door, a cheery alarm with a bird song or gentle waves ringtone, good stuff would give that pleasant drowsy “life’s ok, I can go back to sleep” feeling with the optional two hour snooze button.

No, 3am ‘stuff’ is the bad, annoying, unanswerable stuff that has a dentist’s drill ring tone, guaranteed to not only force open your eyes and fix on the pile of clothing that now looks suspiciously like an intruder but enlarge your ears so that you hear creaks from 3 houses away that might signal poltergeists approaching, and give your brain a Red Bull in the ‘generally unpleasant thought’ lobe.

With a sigh my inner PA gets to work – sorting, filing, solving problems and assigning stuff to the appropriate place in the brain, it starts to get a bit ‘stuffy’, the to do queue is getting longer as associated stuff drops in for a chat and I’m creating a waiting room for the ‘what stuff is that?’ random drop ins.

By 4am however, I have the kids stuff organised, work stuff prioritised, let’s just by- pass the financial stuff, I solve the clothing pile mystery, shut off the “I see dead people” channel, I’m nearly there, I don’t have to be in the alert brain wave state yet and then… I see the stuff in the corner…

In shadow, not visible in the daylight, it slowly appears from behind the filing cabinets. It’s the ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ stuff and it’s escaped before I could finish my work, close the door and go back to sleep. What is it with this stuff? It doesn’t listen when I say “stuff off” it has no logical arguments, no empathy that I am not in a resilient space at this time of the morning and it has an annoying habit of getting larger the more I look at it. The brain leads this “he who shall not be named” stuff passed the unpleasant thought lobe and into the greatest fears, want to cry, seriously scary and irrational dying options lobe.

If it was just the mental effect, it would be bad enough but as ‘ol dark night’ struts his stuff, my body then joins in the emotional hijack and goes into the brace position, contorting into the tiniest fetal ball at the corner of the bed which bizarrely sends a squeeze to my bladder to start dumping fluid every half hour. This alerts the cat who has snuck in the room, discerns that there might be a chance of getting fed early and who immediately practices face swatting.

What to do now? Give up the night as a bad job and write that overdue report thereby crossing off one little job but creating additional stuff as other areas of the brain think its work time and start to also wake up. Or try out a range of therapies…meditation, maybe reflexology, think of a happy place, can I hypnotise myself? Or sit, wait it out, be with the stuff, wear it, play with it, chill with it and own it and see if Soul’s gift arrives before dawn does.

Usually I do all three and exhausted after a hard nights work I eventually feel myself thankfully start to drift off to sleep. The stuff is sorted, Dark night has been psycho babbled back into the corner, the gift is in the post…drifting… “WHF…seriously, again? It’s the other alarm, the real life one, pre-set for 5am before knowing that stuff was going to sabotage the eight hours of planned bliss.

The old stuff has completed its night shift, dark night of the soul has seen dawn and disappeared for a well earned rest and the dayshift of new stuff has just arrived with an inbox so large that the pending will once again need to wait for the next night.

Things to know about ‘Stuff’

• Stuff is nocturnal
• At 3am, bad stuff seems to be more fascinating to the brain than good stuff
• Stuff is contagious; it will infect any random ‘thought’ and turn it into ‘stuff’
• Soul stuff is connected to the bladder
• Dark Night of the Soul stuff doesn’t seem to like dawn
• Sometimes the gift gets lost in the post and you just have to be content with stuff
• A stuffy nose in the morning is just the brain leaking stuff because it is still too full of night stuff

The first problem was that the lion had just been in a photo shoot with two models in bikinis in Cape Town. He looked at me in my cargo pants, possibly two generations up and obviously thought “…and the point is?” I don’t read lion body language but grumpy, jetlagged and unresponsive seemed to describe it and the photo was not happening. Plan B was then hatched to involve his friends as motivators.

This plan however was also flawed as the first companion was a young hyena, who permanently sniffed, nibbled and pushed to either assert dominance or show submissiveness depending on the fear you showed and who went for the limelight every time I aimed at the lion, with a “pick me, I’ve not been with a model” attitude. At the crucial moment as I was focusing he camera, I felt a warm pressure at an area that was unnerving to say the least (and that for a male would be downright scary) this was not helped by the newly learned fact that Hyenas have the strongest jaws in the mammal kingdom and now that he sensed fear, he wouldn’t move.

There is a saying that “obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal”- having a hyena at your crotch was definitely one of those obstacles. Another companion was a cow (they all lived together in a kind of animal commune- “we’re actors darling”) who just leaned on anyone that stood still long enough and as I got near the lion I would end up with a photo of the sky as he inexorably leaned in at the crucial moment. He was obviously not interested in what I was doing and eventually let me know that he was bored with the whole thing by turning his back on me, chewing his cud and staring mournfully at the grass emitting an occasional disapproving “moo”.

The other mammalian elements were the dogs. There were two retrievers who just wanted to play, chase around madly, and play fetch and although I couldn’t see them as I once again focused the lens, they were apparently enjoying themselves immensely judging by the noise. The other dogs were a Jack Russell and a Labrador, the faithful companions who were the best friends of the lion and who had also been on the photo shoot to keep the lion company. They at least didn’t give me hassle and stayed in the background unless needed.

After an hour the goal wasn’t looking good and the snarl from Boris was quite convincing for one so young, so we retreated and I went to look at the photos, disappointed at the failure of my goal.

There was not one good photo of “me with lion cub” and “me with cow” didn’t quite have the same ring. I evaluated my goal; I wanted the photo to promote a workshop involving the lion and it’s also an impressive one for the photo album.

I had focused on it with hyper-attention, put the action in and now because I had failed, I was unhappy. In Life Coaching there are certain assumptions that help with solving problems and moving forward.These include ‘there is no failure only feedback’, ‘there is no problems only outcomes’, ‘instead of necessity, focus on possibility’ and ‘change from assumption and fact to curiosity and fascination’. I was focusing too much on the failure and the problem rather than on the feedback that was highlighting the need to reassess and choose an alternative desired outcome, I was hanging on to what I saw as necessary for success and the assumptions that led to this success instead of what other possibilities there could be, so I relooked at the photos again and came across one photo with new eyes.

If a photo can say a thousand words here was my feedback and the problems with goal setting- and at least I now knew what the dogs had been doing! Sometimes the goal we are seeking is grumpy or unresponsive, it maybe requires synchronicy or better timing- or it wants feeding. Sometimes there are  people who are the scavengers of our valuable time, that sabotage our goal or there are other urgent things that demand attention, the annoying ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ in our life that we can’t disregard because they have lethal jaws.

Sometimes there are the ‘leaners’, the people who are bored with what we are trying to do,they sit around just chewing the cud waiting for you to fail. Sometimes there is pressure for you to conform and work with the familiar rather than follow the new and exciting.

Then there are the other distractions to achieving our goal, the fun things that seem more appealing or in some cases a need for stress release, a break or just time to chill. In amongst the problems there are, however,  also support systems that compensate, the people that will follow you and your goal, showing  values of loyalty, steadfastness and companionship and that show curiosity in what we are trying to achieve, helping us focus on possibility rather than problems.

If I had the choice again to attain the goal of “me with lion” to frame for my ego and show others or a photo that makes me laugh whenever I see it, I would still go with the latter.

We are more successful when we are concerned about well being rather than how well we are doing and a successful outcome is only possible when we can find happiness in where we are, rather than chasing goals that were not aligned or congruent with our values or needs at the time.

So when setting your outcomes, instead of asking “why am I doing this” which elicites justifications and reasons around the problem,ask the question of “how can I bring more of what I value into my life” which will lead to better understanding of the structure of the problem and align our deeper motivations and values that underpin happiness.

If your ‘lion’ is sleeping, here are some tips:

• If your goal involves others, be prepared for surprises and frustrations
• Goals may require synchronicity or better timing to happen, let it unfold
• There may be a better goal if you realign your outcome to what you value
• There is no failure, only feedback so make sure you are listening
• Sometimes you need to walk away from the goal and find another possibility
• Find a goal that makes you happy/smile/laugh –we need it If there’s a hyena at your pants, deal with it first!

“Excuse me, just go back and clarify what exactly you mean by lung disease” I squeaked as I hoped for an alternative better word to match my personal mundane diagnosis of “I feel a bit breathless”. The doctor spoke as he wrote, focused on his pad. “You have Emphysema” – nope, not a better word, in fact this one had a picture that went with it – an old man, smoking away, coughing, none of which fitted me.

I never really heard any words after that and there seemed to be no words of comfort or empathy from the doctor, just a “blah, blah make an appointment for tests” and a written illegible script with a medication word  obviously dreamed up by someone whose job is to put nonsense words together for pharmaceuticals. There must be a ‘medical scrabble’ job title where the rules are to name a drug with the specification of ‘more than nine letters, has to have the letter x in it, can only be found in an extraterrestrial dictionary and has to sound medical, superior and scary all at the same time’.

In a daze I went to the pharmacy to be issued with more words in the drug composition that, to a person who hasn’t taken any medication for 20 years, was freaking me out. I pointed to ‘corticosteroids’. “Oh don’t worry” she said as she saw my face” “you won’t put on weight with that one” – as if that was my primary concern at this time.

I had to find others words which would have a better response in my “I’m dying here, man” brain and the impact on my ‘diseased lungs’ was breathtaking – literally.

I got home and purposely avoided the “book of death” – the medical encyclopedia that my husband has banned me from reading as the symptoms have the same impact as watching someone yawn, contagious just by looking at it. With great willpower I also bypassed my best friend Google and instead headed for Louise Hay, always a great book of words that I’ve used for about 25 years.

“Much better words”, I gasped as it outlined the fear more than the condition, which I could connect with emotionally, giving the brain another option to focus and obsess on and providing an affirmation and power words that switch off the flight and fight action, give hope and a possible new neural pathway and also a sense of power over the body.

The analytical part of my brain returned however and wanted to know more about the “Big E’ (bit friendlier than the full word version I thought) and my Google addiction kicked in again. What an extensive list of terrifying words I found!

‘Terminal’ created a new elevated state of hyperventilation, as did ‘incurable, chronic oxygen deprivation, death’ and ‘progressive’ and as I searched for the word ‘survival’ it was only accompanied by a time frame rather than a percentage.

As I gasped my new mantra of “I live fully and freely” to recover I thought maybe other similar conditions would give me hope or a different prognosis but all it did was add new horror words and associated conditions that I could aspire to and hasten my demise. By the end I was convinced that as well as Emphysema I also had lung cancer, chronic bronchitis, impending heart failure, pulmonary embolism, chronic fatigue syndrome, multiple viruses and a corn on my foot which had probably started it all.

As I scoured the bookcase for words that I was used to, regarding health, I saw “ reconnection, living magically, healing, light, wellness, mind-power, self love, cures” a different reality to what I was now being presented with but that wasn’t being addressed in a literal sense to my medical diagnosis.

In NLP, linguistics is a critical part of understanding others, facilitating relationships and transforming limiting beliefs. Words are often symbols that represent ideas, memories and experiences. Our external and internal language matter and have the power of life and death as they impact on our mind, emotions and body, our behavior and repeated sequences of thought and action. Language makes our internal world visible, audible and tangible to others. It allows us to share, to experience freedom and to uplift others.

Negative words can destroy self esteem and confidence especially when following the ‘you’ word. Children have given up dreams based on the words of teachers or parents and engaged in destructive behaviours based on the words from peer pressure. Words such as “stupid, fail, achieve, fat, coward, right and wrong, sin, win” have enormous power especially when combined with intention, emotion and an influential relationship.

The brain also doesn’t recognize a negative contradictory command focusing instead on the embedded command so ‘no,’ ‘not’ and ‘don’t’ often have the opposite effect. “Don’t touch that paint, no running, I’m not available” invokes a unconscious desire to touch the paint, start running and contact the person.

The power of words is used extensively in sales and marketing, “just do it” as an example  and I must confess that certain words such as ‘sale, 70% off, free, 2 for the price of 1’ also have strange persuasive powers that can veer the course of my feet and involve a hypnotic opening of the wallet.

On the positive front, people have also changed their life course, exceeded all expectations or healed spontaneously by the right words at the right time. “I am” are the most powerful words we have, defining our identity, our spiritual connection and our persona and because of their power are often used in affirmations and mantras.

Before the advent of ‘Red Bull’ to give you wings, Aristophanes said

“By words the mind is winged”

In the space of a day my mind had travelled round the world twice, returning to roost in the fear nest over and over again. A new flight path was needed to heal.

My journey began with redefining, clearing the mental patterns and reframing the words into better, more empowering words and phrases. The first re-wording inspiration again came from Louise Hay that unpicked one of the scariest words and gave me an action plan.

“Incurable…means to me that this particular condition cannot be cured by any outer means and that we must go within to find the cure”

The second inspiration was from a TV chat show I was watching whilst experiencing the side effects from my list of doom. Timothy Spall, an English actor was talking about being given three days to live after being diagnosed with leukemia (now 16 years ago). After looking at his wife hanging out washing, carrying on as normal he said to her

“I’m going to tell you something, darling. I’m not going to die. I just decided. It’s tough, but I know you know I’m not”

Words do have wings and sometimes words that provoke action need to be spoken out loud. It confirms the decision and transforms the power of thought into focused form in a more solid way so that we can understand and consequently influence and manifest. However we have to also remember that often those wings will reach others and words of negativity, hate or fear will impact just as strongly as words of positive action.

“Boys flying kites haul in their white winged birds;

You can’t do that way when you’re flying words

Be careful with fire is good advice we know

Be careful with words is ten times doubly so

Thoughts unexpressed may sometime fall down dead

But God himself can’t kill them when they’re said”

(Will Carleton)

Occasionally powerful, expressive and sometimes darkly humorous language puts things into perspective and my third words of inspiration came from another quote from Timothy Spall that appealed to my warrior self and my underpinning value of freedom when he declared:

“F**k this. I’m not having people telling me I might not…live”

And  so I closed my 351 searches on Google, cremated my medical diagnosis and along with my other new mantras to act on, I added this phrase that made me laugh to my ‘healing dictionary’ and started the journey with new winged words and a new destination to fly to.

Things to remember with words

• You are what you speak -The words you say will affect yourself and others in all dimensions, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. They define who you are and what your life purpose is
• If you speak about someone else, ask – “Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind”
• For positive feedback – Put the emotion in, (wow, amazing, thanks so much) for negative feedback- take the emotion out (I am concerned will get a better result than I am disgusted)
• Words last seconds, the impact can last a lifetime – spend some seconds uplifting people and perhaps changing their lives
• Anytime words stop you doing what is important to you – change them, reframe them or even cremate them
• Some negative words have their uses “F***k this, WTF, and F***K off” can be liberating, motivating and empowering but be careful – the wings are strong on this one!
• Hugs are when there are no words to say – if you can’t find the words, hug someone. Your wings will open and enfold them

This friend was thirteen years old , had travelled the country with us, been battered and abused, saved us from discomfort and after all this, in his retiring moments, had been ‘shat’ on by a samango monkey who couldn’t even be punished because he was an endangered species. Endings are not always sacred or nice and can often be intense or in this case in-tents’ because we were letting go of our old blue tent.

Our journey together started after camping in the bush with our three, under three, children in a three man tent, when suddenly, at two in the morning, we were awakened by the sound of projectile vomiting. There is nothing worse than being forced from a deep sleep by a sound that will start a chain reaction in everyone else, a smell that can have a life span of five years and worst of all a lack of light that is combined with the inability to find the torch and the knowledge that you will almost certainly put your hand on the contents.

It was time to upgrade and earmark everyone’s space clearly in case of a repeat event and we proudly bought our six-man blue and yellow tent. It was the size of our kitchen at the time and would ensure that anyone else camping nearby would give us a wide berth when they saw the array of push chairs parked in the awning.

The first unpacking was great, “such a large tent in such a small bag” we said. The packing up was far more stressful and was when we discovered that tents are only supposed to fit in the bag whilst in the shop. After the first unpacking it doubles in size and will never again slide effortlessly into its home, despite degrees in mechanical engineering or driving over it with the car to expel all air. In the end the bag became the tent pole bag and we used a bag designed for a marquee.

Of course when you upgrade your home it seems only right to upgrade the furniture inside and over the years the pillows changed from clothes rolled in the sleeping bag cover to memory foam and the beds increased in size, cost and comfort.

We started with the roll up yoga mats, great for upward facing dog but not for downward, lying all night people with back problems and soon after we progressed to airbeds and passed down the mats to the girls. More comfortable but too much work. The foot pump required at least a year in the gym preparing for quad muscles that could sustain an hour of squats, the noise was that of mating walrus and as you flopped exhausted on the thing, the bung forcibility ejected and we were left on a plastic flap for the night.

The double air bed also cannot enhance restful sleep unless there are two anorexic people of exactly equal weight who take sleeping pills and therefore do not move a muscle at all. If, like us, you have one, much larger, much heavier restless male who turns by flipping like a pancake, the lesser sized female is likely to be rudely awakened by the feeling of being airborne and then just as suddenly dumped in the gap by the tent wall.

The kids now got the airbeds and we moved on to the camp beds and the bliss of having our own boundaries and adjustable head height. In these beds however the centre of gravity is critical and once again the night would be broken by shrieks as I moved my head too high up and was catapulted backwards with blood rushing to my head and my legs ending up in an inverted yoga posture.

After the kids used one as a rebound exercise facility we were down to one and we upgraded again- this time to full bed mattresses that would have to be strapped onto the top of the trailer, covered with fifteen bin bags, an array of sailors knots and needed a permanent spotter in the back of the car who could shout if she saw the mattress sailing off onto the highway.

With the luxurious bedroom furniture it was time to upgrade the kitchen and whilst on a healthy food camping experiment we brought the bar fridge- fresh milk, salad that lasted more than three hours, it was a revelation to us – and the local wildlife. The battle of the apes began, with the mongeese joining forces to gain access to the tent, raid the fridge and plant their flag or whatever calling card they felt like. Once again the sailor’s knots came in handy and catapults were a necessity throughout the day. When we left the tent, padlocks had to be used as the zips posed no difficulty to our presently evolving SWAT squad. To by-pass the padlocks, the mongeese chewed a hole at the bottom and a higher up hole appeared in the inner tent where the monkeys, frustrated by the fridge had decided to open every toiletry as revenge. This new entrance then allowed every crawly, bug and spider free access to the sleeping occupants during the night and camping became nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

However we still had the waterproof tent itself, until we forgot the fly sheet in an unseasonal cold front with torrential rain. That was the weekend the kids moved out, preferring other drier tents with friends where mom didn’t also make them sweep, tidy clothes and create sock bins. We were left with lots of room, empty nest syndrome and a permanent mouldy patch in the corner.

The zips were the final thing to go. Zips in tents are not used all that often in the day but at night they become the most utilised part of the tent. Usually just as you have got warm and comfortable at exactly the right temperature to sleep, the bladder wakes up and in a mummy bag the urgency of one’s need to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn, the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is zipped up.

As you stumble around cursing, trying to remember whether the zip starts at the top or bottom you forget that there is also an inner zip, outer zip, fly sheet zip and they all have to be done up again on the way back. If it happens to be someone else going, you lie there trying to ignore all the sounds and feeling slightly smug that it’s not you – until the exact moment that they have done all the zips and got into bed and you become immediately desperate to go. With all the nocturnal pulling and forcing zips in the dark, they finally lost some crucial teeth and we now had a gazebo rather than a tent.

“Just one more trip” we’d say as we unpacked it again or sometimes ” that was the last time” but out it would come over and over again.The grand finale coincided with a cyclone. As Dave Barry says

“it always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent”

Rain saturated the mattresses so that we were left lying on giant sponges, the zip- less flaps whipped around, the animals were in and out of the supermarket via the holes and the one remaining inner tent zip stuck at knee height so we had to execute the limbo to go to the toilet.

The next morning, feeling miserable, I was carrying a bunch of bananas to the tent fridge. As I bent to crawl in, a giant samango monkey grabbed the bunch, commandeered my bed, and ate the whole lot, snarling and baring teeth at me if I tried to remove him. It took four of us banging the tent with a stick, while it shrieked inside enraged, before it shot out and ‘shat out’ all over my sleeping bag ( also an old faithful friend from college day) and sprayed liberally.

I was furious, I had wanted to decide when the goodbye would happen, had wanted it end when we had bought something new and better to replace it, leave with a last fond memory. Instead it finished with someone invading my space, taking what was mine, showing no respect and taking charge of the letting go.

How often in life does this happen? Where we have spent our energy upgrading, buying more, bigger and better, creating permanency and memories, and although we can see it’s time to change, move out of the comfort zone, let go of some things we have hung on to, we revert to the familiar “maybe next time -one last time.”  We assume that life will remain unchanged until we are totally ready to change, we patch up things that are broken, tolerate the things that don’t work too well, and make do.

And then someone or something makes the decision for us that it’s time to move on, the signs have been there, the intention to do something has been simmering but not the action, the impetus, the energy that it takes to let go of what we have been holding onto. Often the ending is done without warning seemingly, a shock, an action of disrespect, a violation of rights or a sense of uncaring as they move in and leave us adrift.

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings” Lao Tzu

It’s easier when we seem to have been the one making the choice or when the new has already appeared, a positive, gentle transition but often there is that uncomfortable void where the new is not visible. The old has gone and the new has not appeared, the memories hang around and are recreated over and over, morphing into a magical reality that suddenly seems more positive and brighter that when we actually experienced it.

And yet that space is necessary, an inner space is required to assimilate, grieve, and sit with, to give clarity before deciding on a new direction, to create anew rather than recreate more of the old. We have to experience the lack, the nothingness before trying to fill up, a state which seems more comfortable and purpose driven. The more intense the goodbye, the more space and time is needed.

This year has seen a lot of endings, loss, goodbyes, a moving on and when there is not a sense of knowing what is replacing it, it has meant getting comfortable with being uncomfortable as we strive for a better life. It means living in the now and the unknown and going with the flow. It has required that we adjust to impermanency, be able to simplify and pack up reality when needed. Life’s become a bit like camping really!

However when we are prepared to live like this we start to appreciate the simple, we become aware of the interconnectedness of living, we find true friends and our true self and we pay attention the beauty of the stars (especially if there are holes in the tent).

We left the tent at the campsite, a bit skew, a bit forlorn but readily accepted by a local who apparently is going to turn it into a shabeen for his friends, it is to be recreated as a ‘party venue’.

Our tent is to begin its new life, it’s moving on and we have to decide what to replace it with­- another similar, a trailer tent, caravan, RV, a chalet? We’re not sure yet. It depends what future we decide to create, which values are still relevant, what excites us and what presents itself. We have the memories, the stories, the photos showing our evolution and journeys but more importantly we have the knowledge that ‘adventure lies outside the tent’.

Some camping tips

Camping: A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the fire for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck

Life: know when enough is enough

Camping: Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought

Life: Travel lightly, pack well

Camping: Your side of the tent is the side that leaks

Life: Hardships are easier if there’s someone else to share

Camping: All tree branches is a forest grow outwards at exactly the height of your nose. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height

Life: sod’s law is real

Camping: Enough dirt will get tracked into the tent in the first day, that you can grow the food you need for the rest of the trip in rows between sleeping bags

Life: From the dirt, new things will grow

Camping: The sun sets three and a half times faster than normal when you’re trying to set up camp

Life: Endings have a way of speeding up if you’re not paying attention

Camping: If you can see the stars, someone has stolen your tent

Life: When all is lost or taken, look for the stars to appear

Our beautiful central tree of the courtyard was now surrounded on every branch by hairy eating machines and was on the way to resembling  a leafless telegraph pole.

The previous night had been filled with nightmares about ‘cannibal caterpillars’ and ‘catapillarziller’ so early Sunday morning I mustered the whole family and gave each ‘the glove’ to pick the caterpillars off with and a plastic bag. We had to use whatever gloves we could find and so took to the task (with a lot of shrieks of horror and ‘you cannot be serious’ from still sleeping children) with an assortment of equipment. In last place for effectiveness was the woolly winter glove which was designed so that caterpillars could attach like Velcro and elicited the most frantic hand waving, next was the sock which looked liked a Kermit the frog sock puppet eating , there was a surgical glove, a golf glove (husband was not amused) and a Audrey Hepburn long evening glove from the dressing up box.

After two hours of picking off hundreds of caterpillars, we were emotionally scarred for life, had had to placate security who were alerted by reports of screaming, felt imaginary caterpillars in our hair for the rest of the day and were divorced by our children who said that we did the worst family bonding activities in the world and that this had to be a ‘paying job’.

The next day, filled with pride, I went to see the tree and to my horror found some more crawlies. My life now became a lonely sojourn everyday for the next two weeks to pull off caterpillars. To negate the horrible feeling  I decided to make it a Zen activity and tried to get into an alpha state, doing a moving meditation while I plucked. I also developed ‘bush eyes’ where I could look through the leaves and spot the offender at two metres. On a course I ran, people were encouraged to look for caterpillars during tea break as an ice breaker. I sprayed the tree, fed it, smudged it and when I discovered that the beasts were on their next rebirth cycle, took the 1 cm babies off as well

It became a metaphor for my 2013 year of clearing out what was not needed or wanted and my tree work was accompanied by a clearing of the house, clothes, junk food and a detox of what I didn’t want in the coming 2014.

I must admit that by the end, my ‘thank you for the lesson’ words to each caterpillar had changed somewhat to ‘I am Darth Vader of the death star and I will kill you” but I left for holiday feeling successful and positive about the happy tree.

I returned in 2014 and was devastated to find big fat caterpillars who had had a Christmas feast and were about to pop after a respite from the gloved predator. Surely my hard work had not been in vain?

I decided to not only pull off the caterpillars I could find but also create the new vision for the year so also cut off the lowest branches that were weighing the tree  down, tied certain branches to the main trunk to give support and feed the roots on a regular basis to maintain the nurturing. While I was there I thought I may as well plant some flowers, rearrange the garden and put my own vision of beauty into my surroundings

The pruning seems to have given the tree a new lease of life and despite weird looks from the neighbours on seeing an occupant with binoculars and a glove staring a tree for hours I have not seen a caterpillar for 5 days.

At the beginning of the year I sat on a public bench and found a butterfly key-ring and on the 11th ( a time of change and awakening)as I drove round the area there was clouds of the brown veined white butterflies that fly like confetti on their annual journey to Madagasger. Butterflies are known as symbols of transformation due their impressive process of metamorphism and the white butterflies symbolises peace and a certain change that occurs rapidly, a time of rebirth, evolution, commemoration, lightness and soul awakening.

It reassured me that transformation has taken place this year and that although there is still pruning and maintenance to do, and there is still the finishing off and completion of things that were started in 2013, if the hard work has been put in last year, this year will be easier and more supported, the caterpillar can turn into a butterfly. As a symbol I bought two butterfly plants and attached my butterfly key-ring to remind me of the necessity of cycles and synchronicity and the possibilities and beauty that can result if we focus on transformation and creation.

Some tips to change from a caterpillar to a butterfly year

1. Keep an eye on the things that were created last year and things that still need to be cleared because they no longer serve you or need to be eliminated in order for you to create the new. Prune the things that weigh you down so you can grow upwards, and remember that it’s harder to fly when something is weighing you down.“Your time as a caterpillar is over, your wings are ready”
2. Link up to the main trunk for support – spiritual, emotional and physical practices that ground you, support you and give you peace. When we feel supported, things flow and perspectives change.“Happiness is a butterfly which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you” Nathaniel Hawthorne
3. Keep your focus on what you are creating, watch for the butterfly you dream about not the caterpillar that you have nightmares about. Trust the process, for synchronicity and new cycles may be in place and the dreams may need to wait until something else is put in place.“Well I must endure the presence of a few caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies” Antoine de Saint- Exupery, The little prince
4. Trees need light, good food, rest and water – so do you (and kind words from people help plants grow too). Rest and take time out when you need to and set up 15 minutes at the start of the day to build your energy before opening emails, dealing with people and interacting with the negative as this helps to give you better answers and plans.“Live your life like a butterfly, take a rest sometimes but never forget to fly”
5. Turn your challenges into a Zen or fun activity. Play with them, create new possibilities and solutions, 2014 is a year of creation and butterfly potential and the year when you can become more authentic, more visible and a stronger version of yourself.“Life doesn’t get easier…your wings just get stronger” 
6. Hard work is still needed ( caterpillar has the word pillar in it, build the pillars first); however this year will yield results for the work if you have the courage to move forward and challenge the stagnant beliefs and constraints.“ How does one become a butterfly? – you must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar”
7. 2014 is a year of hope and infinite possibilities. Whatever stage of transformation you are in accept and play with this process of creativity and transformation with patience and persistence“Seeds, caterpillars and bees come before flowers, butterflies and honey. They remind us of the beauty, transformation and sweetness in life that follow the patience to grow, persistence in struggle and diligent effort. Everything will be worthwhile one day” Doe Zantamata

The reason for the stumbling disturbance was that in the middle of the night when looking for the toilet in the dark, I tend to execute the subconscious GPS coordinates from my usual bedroom to the porcelain bowl but I had now alarmingly found that this was where someone else’s sleeping head was located and I was totally disorientated.

The reason for the ‘flashing’ was more complicated. Annoyingly I had bronchitis, annoying for me on a continuous basis but annoying for anyone else who had to sleep next to spasms of coughing throughout the night. Luckily there were healers aplenty on hand, especially the amazing ‘grandmothers’ and often I would be woken in terror to find someone leaning over me rubbing some medicinal herb from Druid mythology onto me whilst chanting a prayer which translated as “seriously – go to sleep” or spooning some vile mysterious liquid into my mouth or any one else’s mouth that was open in the hope that everyone may get some sleep.

This flashing apparatus was now my latest healing modality, an ionizer which was hung round my neck like an old fashioned hearing aid and which would emit some pure air to promote restful breathing. It was great – apart from one aspect. When working properly it would flash to let you know something, what, I don’t know, maybe that you were still alive, maybe the battery was dying but there it was, like an accident vehicle, lighting up the room intermittently.

To take advantage of this on my toilet journey, I tried to use the flash to see where I was going, my new ‘guiding star’ as it were, but apart from now waking my brain up as I was dazzled in bursts of light, I was worried that I may kick-start epilepsy with the flashing. I was also concerned about waking everyone up so tried in vain to cover the light, only succeeding in creating a ghostly shining hand moving through the room like some poltergeist movie scene.

Eventually I got back to bed and thought again about sleep only to find that with a hot night and only a covering sheet the damn thing was now glowing through the sheet. In the middle of the night all I could think about was resisting the urge to croak ” ET phone home” as I shone from the heart. I then spent another hour wondering how best to find a sleeping position that would dim the light, eliminate the coughing, breathe my pure air and bizarrely how to stop the Sunday school song ” this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine” from ear worming around my brain.

We do have a few problems letting our ‘ little light’ shine in our lives.

Acknowledging that we do have a unique and much needed light that shines from the heart and is appreciated by others who don’t have a metaphorical ionizer strapped to their chest is often an issue. I meet so many beautiful people who just can’t see or recognize their particular light or the impact their light has on others. So many people have ‘lit me up’ just through their words, their hugs, their laughter or quiet wisdom and still they are saying “I’m nothing special”. At times our own light goes out and needs to be rekindled by a spark from another person. On many occasions a stranger has passed through my life and illuminated the darkness, or just added a warm glow to my day when I can’t see where I’m going and the dusk has fallen in an area of my life.

After acknowledging that we do have our own light we have to also beware of comparing our light against others – has someone else got a brighter light, a more useful light? They may seem to be the lighthouse and we are only the cell phone torch. Self esteem and confidence is needed to confront fears about shining – the rejection, hostility, jealousy, the not good enough, not bright enough thoughts, being seen as arrogant or above others – which needs to be balanced with the awareness that we need only shine with what we’ve been given. We don’t need to over analyze our light or measure our wattage, just shine from the heart knowing that we have our own unique light and way of shining that is perfect as it is.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be?”  Marianne Williamson

Often to fit in, be accepted or cope with normality, we dim our light, we cover it and then by putting a sheet over it we end up with a distorted ghostly glow of something that is meant to purely shine. We apologize for our light, worry about it disturbing others, we down-play ourselves, or take our own needs off the agenda, we can’t find time to do the things that ignite our passion and charge our batteries, that connect us with the source of our light and by spending our time on things that drain us, or don’t inspire us, we have so much more work to do to get the generator going to emit our light again.

“You’re playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shining so that other people won’t feel insecure around you- we are all meant to shine…” Marianne Williamson

We also give our power and our light energy to other people who don’t always appreciate us for who we are and why our light is necessary, or we disguise our light to look like someone else’s or turn down the brightness dial because of the risk of losing a relationship. Not everyone wants us to shine brightly, it shows up the dirt –

“Don’t let someone dim your light simply because it’s shining in their eyes”

As I write this I’m in a building that has energy saving light sensors that means that unless I keep moving, the light goes out. It can be a bit annoying (especially on the toilet) but it keeps me on my toes – literally. We don’t shine as brightly when we are in a comfort zone, we get comfortable with a muted bedside lamp and every now and then in life we have to ‘rise and shine’, take action, get moving and head off into the darkness.

“Don’t sit and wait for the light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the damn thing yourself”

And then there are the times where there doesn’t seem to be any light, our own or from others, we can’t generate our spark and the world seems to be a bit heavy. Sometimes we shine a light and there’s no answering glow or sign of the dawn. We can’t all shine at the same time and sometimes it is not the right time for illumination.

We can shine and sparkle a lot easier when the sun is out, when we are reflected by the light of other like- minded people and we grieve when the sun is gone but often we may have to look further up and be guided instead by starlight, the more subtle, diffused hues which requires more effort and mindfulness to see. Starlight energy pierces the darkness like diamonds where we glow with an inner radiance rather than shining with the searing light and extrovert warmth of the Sun.

“Don’t cry when the sun is gone because the tears won’t let you see the stars”

If you’re in the darkness at the moment, keep the inner fire glowing until it’s time to shine externally again and look for others who have light to spare and share and can help guide your way. Sometimes we have to be a ‘glow stick’, we have to break before we shine! If you’re feeling the brightness, keep shining beautiful ones. The world needs your light.

And for all my weird and wobbly light friends out there –

“Make your weird light shine bright so that the other weirdos know where to find you!”

I had a 2 month period this year where I was on 14 flights in 6 different countries, each with a different purpose and a different baggage allowance. The first was a diving trip to the Red Sea which involved three flights, two different baggage allowances and one flight only allowed one bag. By the time the heavy essentials for diving were put in, which would enable one to breathe, float and keep warm (the basics of survival and physiological needs) clothing was limited to a sarong and a hat, although to my mind, cappuccino sachets and rescue tablets would also count as essential survival items.

We were advised that we needed to protect our baggage as it was valuable and much had gone missing in airport transits. Business was booming at the cling film wrapping booth and their eyes lit up at 17 people, all with money to spend if it meant that the baggage would arrive intact.

The whole journey was preoccupied with protecting the already cling film protected baggage, weighing the baggage and working out ways of transporting the baggage through unknown territories and uneven surfaces.What a relief when we could board the boat and give all the baggage to the crew to look after, sort and give out when needed.

The next flights involved packing for different weather conditions in one trip and decisions included guessing for every weather eventually and probabilities of extreme family activities as Europe can have all weather conditions in one day. Of course, once we arrived, we went to the shops and found all kinds of new things that were more appropriate, more exciting and that made our baggage that we had carried obsolete.

In the 9th flight, the customs met my baggage. This was a budget, no frills, flight to Portugal, where the maximum weight for any length of stay was 10kg, unless you wanted to pay extra luggage, which was more expensive than the flight. The airlines philosophy is “ you want to go heavy, you pay the fine” and where extra  luggage costs you the equivalent in body weight, so that you are motivated to holiday in a near naked state.

As we had not been to the destination before we were not sure what would be required and what food would be available so the previous day was filled with activity of prioritising what was important, light and adaptable and how much extra could be dumped in the kid’s baggage as they seem to travel the lightest.

For me, multiple books were essential but was my 4kg of books is as essential as shoes? One daughter was adamant that the hair straighteners were the essential that could benefit everyone. My husband lost the baggage essential war and when his shoes were found to weigh 2 kg he was downsized to one pair of flip flops and using the communal female razor. With a six hour travel experience ahead, questions were asked – would starving be a better option than carrying food and had they heard of vegetarians where we were going? Do I bank on hot weather to drip dry by because I had no towel. Add to that the toiletries debate, which must fit in a sandwich bag size plastic bag and hours were spent decanting every cream and liquid into tiny bottles.

When we found out that we did not count in the weigh-in, we all arrived(as did the majority of the passengers) wearing coats with big pockets that carried three books each, five layers of clothing (in an unheard-of heat wave), including sarongs round the neck and all jewellery at once. A quick toilet visit was impossible but at least we had the baggage sorted.

All I was concerned about was getting the baggage through and all was well until customs spotted the sweaty women with the nervous tick who was filling up the tray at the x-ray machine with a treasure trove of metal, scarves, belts and shoes and they asked me where I was flying to.

I was so flustered at having to do a magicians show where I was pulling out hidden objects out of nowhere, to go in the tray, that I couldn’t remember the name of the airport and with a confused look whispered “I don’t know”. “Where are you staying then?” they then asked suspiciously. Confusion changed to panic as I realised I didn’t know the town or villa in Portugal “I don’t know where I’m going” I squeaked. This was not a good answer I guess  and I was led straight over to the drug squad corner where all my tiny bottles, which I had not labelled, were tested and the pupils of my eyes inspected. When asked what was in the bottles, I was again reduced to “I don’t know” answers and even more of my baggage and clothing was put in another tray.

I was eventually cleared of drug trafficking, assigned the “mentally incapable” category and released with sympathetic looks to my unsympathetic family.

As I sat in departure I thought about the time and energy it had taken to pack my baggage so that everything could come with me rather than spending the time looking at the experience which lay ahead and remembering where I was going. After all that, we arrived at the villa only to find a well stocked library which anyone could use and also take books away if we wished, supermarkets brimming with food that a vegetarian could eat and a beach that only seemed to require half of a bikini as clothing.

We are very attached to our baggage and in America, post 9/11 flight attendants are apparently now trained in an emergency to say “leave your baggage behind” as  analysis has shown that even in a crisis people still can’t seem to leave their bags and their proof of identity behind.

Since my travels I have spent time simplifying my life baggage, looking at how to lighten the load and looking at who else’s baggage I’m carrying. It important periodically to ask questions on our baggage such as “what clothes do I need (and more importantly still fit), how can I lighten the IT load, what is important in the house, what work is important, who is important, what activities give me joy rather than those that I just carry out of habit and more importantly what beliefs and behaviours not longer serve and are just baggage that weigh me down”.

I also want to keep trying to focus on where I am residing at this moment in my life and where I am  wanting to go so that my present and future determine my baggage rather than the past, as emotional baggage from the past is a form of self sabotage for the future.

Five things to remember when packing for the future:

Prioritise

There is a rule of 5 which relates to our memory. The brain can only cope with 5 priorities at a time before forgetting or dropping items. Baggage can be a heavy vibration and especially emotional baggage and multitasking increases our inertia and slows our momentum. What five things/ people would you take with you to a desert island? What do you carry in your handbag? What does your baggage say about you or what’s important to you and do you have a choice whether to carry it with you?

“I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me, or I can choose to move on and leave it behind me” – unknown

De-clutter

In this year of endings and beginnings we have to make a choice of ‘leave it behind or be left behind’. What luggage is there in your life that you are carrying because it’s familiar or comfortable rather than a reflection of where you want to go. Look at your house, your cupboards, your friends, your body, your responsibilities and apply the ‘love it, use it or lose it’ approach.

“You can’t fly if your wings are holding the baggage of yesterday. Let go. Fly”
-Steve Marabuli

Know the Destination

We don’t always know where we are going at times so if the destination isn’t clear, focus on the present, what gives you joy, energy and a feeling of lightness and put down the bag for a while until you know what and when to start packing. If you know where you want to go, and have a clear idea of the experience you wish, it helps you to focus on packing for the destination rather than toting the ‘same baggage fits all’ journeys.

“Don’t forget to pack your courage for your journey to greatness” David Wenbaun

“Is this your own baggage ma’am?”

Be careful you haven’t offered to carry others people’s baggage and then started calling it your own, or have accepted responsibility for unknown packages out of duty or lack of assertiveness. The bigger the bag there more room there is for everyone else’s stuff so own your own baggage and leave the excess weight behind.

Share the load

Ask for help in sharing the load or in helping you unpack the baggage that is proving difficult to let go of. Once you’ve identified the problem weight areas with someone else, it’s easier to think objectively and also remember that packing for new destinations always brings a sadness that has to be acknowledged.

“Everyone has baggage. The key is to find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack” – unknown

Travel Lightly My Friends

Travel lightly my friends, for heavy baggage only weighs you down.
It fixes your eyes to the ground and your wings forget how to fly.

You cannot see the sky, the sea, the ever changing seasons.
And you create different experiences to those where your head is held aloft.

Lace not the leaden shoes of past security and comfort that makes your footsteps weary.
Rather run with winged feet that leaves imprints of inner conviction and unhindered beliefs.

Buckle not the unwieldy holster of fear, control and external power around your hips.
Rather fill your pockets with creativity, abundance and authentic power to choose your world.

Tie not the constricting belt of self doubt, criticism and intimidation around your waist.
Rather wind a silken thread of I AM that gives you self esteem, personal worth and honour.

Fix not the sharp pin of isolation, clouded judgement and separated grief to your breast.
Rather clasp a diamond brooch of clarity that shines of compassion, beauty and harmony.

Pack not the rucksack of yesterday’s baggage, sorrows, and regret on your shoulders.
Rather carry pebbles of certainty in the present and feathers of optimism in your wings.

Hang not the rigid yoke of will power, of held back tears and control around your neck.
Rather a golden chain of freedom around your throat that surrenders to the moment and the higher plan.

Fasten not the band of blinkered sight, habits and others beliefs around your forehead.
Rather let your hair fly free in the wind, to experience the intuitive unfolding that awaits each new horizon.

Place not the battered hat of worldly needs, desires and false aspirations upon your head.
Rather a halo of inner wisdom and intuitive knowledge of the awakening of your soul.

Lay down your heavy armour, the metal shield of defence, and the weapons of attack.
And protect yourself instead with light and with angel’s wings of love.

When you wear light, you spread that light to areas of darkness.
And others rejoice in your colours and vibrations.

When you clothe yourself in love, the weight turns to gossamer threads.
And divine energy is released to lighten the load for all who travel life’s road.

So travel lightly my friends
For where there is light, it illuminates the journey of love
And shines on a new road to be travelled.

There was a deathly hush as her friend clenched the hysterical one’s hands and starting counting in a loud voice, how this was supposed to help I have no idea but on looking around I noticed that almost the whole lift was now counting as well, several had their eyes squeezed shut, others stared unseeingly and a few were looking green. At last, after the count of sixty six the lift stopped, the door was opened and everyone initiated a football match crush to get out, sweeping the still terrified woman along. I don’t know if the experience helped her but it created new phobias in about 20 other people and I thought my first practical application in hypnotherapy was going to be done on the Eiffel Tower as now we were stuck at the top and another lift journey awaited us all to get down.

After the Parisian sites we went to Euro Disney, the land of childhood magic and innocent fun where the scariest thing I expected was the queen of hearts. Alas, I had left it too late to visit, my kids bypassed the princesses, Toy Story and Mickey Mouse and heading for the white knuckle rides where the screaming pointed you in the right direction. I became the coat stand for the whole day, interspersed thankfully by the discovery of Star Bucks. Eventually near the end of the day the kids pleaded for me to go on just one, “The Temple of Doom” as that one wasn’t so bad. If I’d listened to my intuition or even questioned why it had the word “Doom” in it I would have hung onto the coats but instead I climbed into a metal prison cell with my husband for comfort and put a smile on my face.

Five seconds up the incline I realised my children had lied and I yelled “I’ve made a mistake” and tried to climb out. No one heard the panic stricken screech and so began the worst two minutes I can remember. This had every combination of speed, height, and upside down element possible triggering every fear I had accumulated and buried deep in my subconscious throughout my now shortening life. As I shut my eyes and screamed  “Om” continuously I was vaguely aware of my husband also yelling which was slightly comforting until I discovered later that I had dug my nails so tightly into his hands he was left bruised and bloody and he couldn’t prise me off. As everyone got off smiling and laughing, I wobbled off, vomited quietly in Aladdin’s cave and headed off to try and wrench the hookah pipe off the Alice in Wonderland caterpillar for some relaxation.

So much fear in unlikely situations seems to be coming up at the moment for people, where personal fears that need to be conquered or cleared are meeting other people’s fears, personal losses, grief or negativity that we need to detach from and then we collide with collective fears around loss of the familiar or secure, financial, health, or relationships issues or loss of power and control.  It becomes very difficult to know what fears to face, which fears are in fact illusionary ( False Evidence Appearing Real) what are ours and what is other peoples and what is just the arrival of the new and unknown in which case we should also fear ( Feeling  Excited And Ready)

In coping with the panic, I’ve returned to Walt Disney, but his time avoiding the Temple of Doom and the white knuckle ride of life and going back to his original intention of creating the paradise of Disneyland or in today’s reality creating “Heaven on Earth” and the realisation of magic in our lives. Walt Disney brought some fundamental lessons in consciousness into our lives through his films and characters. Firstly the triumph of good over bad through working hard, facing fears, perseverance and positive attitudes, secondly to acknowledge and see the unseen and the magical – talking animals, fairies, and plants, or the ability to fly for example and use that to discern what can exist and what is important in your reality and the importance of human/elemental balance and harmony and thirdly to facilitate the power of dreaming, playing, and escaping into fantasy  to create infinite possibilities in our lives and manifest through dreaming and visualisation.

It means that in this time of fear and unknown futures we can still use the Disney approach and moral lessons to get some answers and make choices. The top three Disney lessons for me at the moment are therefore:

1. Feel the fear and do it anyway – hate this one- but vital in this time of clearing the limitations, so unfortunately no quick fixes, instead, put in the hard work, (think Handsome Prince in Sleeping Beauty or the 7 dwarfs – “Hi Ho, it’s off to work we go”) grit your teeth and get on with the challenge if it is limiting your life or stopping you from living your dreams.


2. Use discernment – is this your fear or are you picking up on the collective? Fear is contagious and misery likes company so discernment is an important spiritual practice to know when to engage with the fear and when to detach and allow others to face their own fears. Also be aware of the Apple that Snow White ate. Who is offering it to you, does it seem too good to be true and what is the intention and the consequences of the shiny and seductive?


3. Play and dream – Cinderella says “a dream is a wish you make with your heart” and the physicist Stephen Hawkings states that in Quantum Physics, dreams are what ‘stuff’ is made of. Something that has been coming up for a lot of people in my sessions is the need to create spaces in our lives where we can take time out from the chaos and recover, dream our desires, create some heart happiness and manifest a future through play and fun and doing what you love.

The most downloaded Disney song this month is Hakuna Matata (no worries), something that obviously we need to hear at the moment and the Walt Disney theme song below, from the 1940 film Pinocchio that is said “releases all mental and emotional constraints in, through and around the human heart whilst bringing joy and resurrection to the soul and spirit” is still as relevant in clearing fear and regaining hope today.
So, take some time out and dream this month.

From Pinocchio…
When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are

Anything your heart desires

Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do
Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfilment of
Their secret longing
Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true

The first thing it said was “do not attempt to remove the spines with tweezers” as the little blighters have barbs and will then be in there forever. Candle wax was suggested and I covered the area with burning wax. Alas, it was obviously not soy candles that would help and although my foot was now softer and smelling nice, another approach was needed. 

After more research, I found that the sea urchin is made of calcium carbonate and therefore I must not remove the spines but dissolve them in acid. A well-known emergency cure is urine, I read, at which point the family and their sympathy melted away saying they could see that I was coping on my own. White vinegar was a superior choice to urine, I felt, so I hobbled to the pantry and had a choice of balsamic and a jar of gherkins. So, there I sat with my foot in hot water and gherkins for an hour waiting for the spiny creature to dissolve. 

I self pityingly cancelled all my two footed plans and sent my husband out for Epsom salts, normal vinegar without the peppercorns floating in it and chocolate (not mentioned in Google but essential to recovery I felt). By the end of the day I had a bloated, crenated foot that looked like it had been dead for days, a series of botched puncture wounds that my daughters couldn’t look at because it set of trypophobia (do not look this up, you will immediately find you have this phobia), one measly spine that came out after the Epsom salts and an admission of defeat at my home surgery. 

I sought professional help the next day and the podiatrist did an hour of open foot surgery removing another spine but said that were still at least three spines stuck deep inside and there was not a lot else to do apart from the daily gherkin bath.

Two days later I was limping about with a by now pus oozing foot and met a surfer who said that there was a well-known surfing method of rubbing the affected area with olive oil at full moon and the spines will come out themselves. This seemed akin to burying a steak at moonlight to get rid of warts but the theory is that sea urchins come to shore at full moon and the moon has a pull on them. Full moon was three days away and after waiting it out, to my amazement as I sat exposing my foot to the moon, I pressed my foot and a large spine eased itself out. The other spines have obviously now become part of me, adding to my prickly nature apparently and the surfer girl now always gives me a knowing smile 

I assumed sea urchins are simple creatures but not so. They have no eyes but can see throughout their entire body as they have light receptors on their tube feet. They literally see with all of themselves. In between the feet, they have pincers which they use to groom themselves with, keeping them healthy. The spines act as a defense mechanism for their vulnerable insides which they use to skillfully extract the important food from all the debris around.

As they reach adolescence they grow their tube feet inside the sensitive outer membrane they are developing. They are then pulled towards the shore and when they experience the extreme turbulence and smell of kelp near land they know it is time to change (at full moon I presume). They then undergo one of the most remarkable transformations in nature where they pull themselves inside out like a sock to be reborn as a miniature adult. As soon as this transformation and tumult has happened, their work is done, they land ashore briefly and they spend the rest of their life almost immortally feeding and chilling.

Sea Urchin lessons

1. We often cover our vulnerabilities a with prickly exterior, injuring others with our barbed attacks that can poison or remain for a long time. We can also be on the receiving end of other’s spines, especially if sensitive or empathetic. Don’t let the poisons of the past or other people’s barbs stay stuck inside. Use the tools and support systems you have, to work at excavating the barb. Sometimes you may also have to create the space for acceptance that they are an integral part of growth and part of who we are and that in time the pain will disintegrate or become absorbed.

2. Redefine your spines into feet of light, allowing you to see with more clarity and vision, create tubes filled with light receptors of love, antennae of knowing and ability that let you see with all of yourselves, especially your hearts so that you experience a heightened consciousness when you interact in the world.

3. It is our vulnerability that holds our greatest strength, our inner being that works with the value of discernment, getting to the depth of issues and extracting the important and valuable from the daily mental debris we encounter. Balance the tough and the tender, use your discernment and transform your vulnerability into transparency and integrity that will give you your strength.

4. When we are nearing the shore, we may need to be totally turned inside out to be reborn. Look for the turbulence, the tough times, the chaos, as signs that we are close to land and be prepared to undergo the metamorphism, that although painful, will ensure an more enlightened adulthood and a new life and freedom of movement.

5. This too will pass! Limping along with spines in your foot is a pain. Sometimes though, we may need to apply a mindfulness appproach in sitting with the uncomfortable until inner peace, synchronicity and right timing happens to allow things to emerge more easily. Use the time to ‘groom’ yourself, keeping healthy while you wait. And, if you are sitting with lots of pricks that won’t go away, lie back, take some breaths and talk to the moon.